Smitten

I am well and truly falling hard after only a week. He's such a sweetheart and a larrikin, and essentially a male version of me!

He's been spoiling me rotten, and he has me wrapped around his little finger already. I'm usually quite shy, but I think he's having a hard time getting me to shush up. We just have so much in common, and the differences that are there are so interesting. We can talk for hours, or we can sit in comfortable silence - either way I can't stop smiling.

Yay for having a new banter buddy!

family

Seeing as I'm struggling to sleep tonight, I thought I may as well update the blog.

I've just had an awesome weekend with my family, seeing as my mum, stepdad and sister were all in town. I can't remember the last time I spent time with my sister properly, so it was great seeing her from end of work on Friday right up till first thing this morning. So much to catch up on, it's a good thing the kid can talk fast!

Mum ended up staying too, and I even taught her how to play The Sims 3 while Amanda and I girly-gossiped.

I don't even mind that I've been cut off from basically everyone else I know this weekend, it was worth it to finally get in some quality time with the fam. Now I can't wait to have shopping in Dubvegas before helping sis move to a big old farmstead with her man! The backend of this year is just so darned packed full of goodness.

big news, not-so-big reaction

So my sister told my mum and step-dad on Friday that she is in a relationship with the guy she's living with. She was fully expecting to be disowned by her dad, seeing as she's 20 and the guy is at least 40. Not to mention she believed that he hates the guy to begin with. But, according to her, it actually went well. So I guess that means the travel plans for Germany and USA are still on, you know, seeing as she survived.

plans

Oh so much to see and do, so little time. And funds. However I am a master budgeter having had to survive off diddly squat for so long as a fulltime student, so my plans should actually start working, yay panda!

2012

• Buy a new second-hand car to replace Turtle
• Pass one subject per semester with a minimum credit grade
• See Jekka Miff and Brad get married
• Go to our 10 year high school reunion
• Properly start my teacup collection
• Continue with my book instead of pushing it aside all the time

2013

• Two weeks in Germany with my sister visiting the lovely AK
• Two weeks in the USA with my sister visiting my best mate Kyle, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and Disneyland
• See Lou and Robbie Williams (James) get married
• Finish my book, dammit!

And this is only the preliminary planning, other stuff will inevitably crop up. In the meantime, so many weddings and big travel plans and spending lots of money. How exciting!

The travel plans are the most exciting for me. I don't get to spend nearly as much time with my sister as I'd like, so a month of travelling with her would be wonderful. Not to mention we both love Harry Potter and Disney, and Kyle has already agreed to take us to the theme parks in Florida when we visit him in Texas. Amanda and I both miss AK like crazy, therefore time in Germany with her is a must.

Mind you, the travel plans kinda hinge on whether my sister survives a serious talk with the parentals tomorrow (more on that once the chat is over and done with). She told me Saturday would be a safe day to drop any bombshells seeing as they'll probably be numb after her little confession on Friday. I think one heart attack is enough for my stepdad at his age.

Oooh, I should probably add "updating my blog more often" to my to-do lists. And getting fitter, and possibly getting my dodgy knee looked at...

Stone

I could be made of stone,

Nothing will perturb me.

No stress,

No fear,

No love.

It would be a fine thing,

Not to care or hurt,

To be emotionless and strong.

I could be strong,

But it would be selfish

And I care too much.

So I will feel,

I will be hotblooded,

I will cry.

I will wish I was stone.

burn

I hate it when I can smell something burning, it makes me quite paranoid that my place is going to burn down. Considering that has happened before I suppose it's not all that surprising I'd get worried. I end up having to check absolutely every electrical and kitchen appliance before I am satisfied my place isn't going to go up in smoke... because of me anyway.

I opened my front door just now and the burning aroma hit me hard, I have no idea where it is coming from, but something is smouldering quite nicely. And not in the Flynn Rider kind of way.

Excuse me while I go and double check my kitchen stove.

no rest for the wicked

This past week was supposed to be relaxing. Instead I have been traipsing all over the countryside visiting family, meeting new people and trying my best to keep up with uni work seeing as I have three exams in October, and they are a Friday/Monday/Tuesday combo. Killer.

On a brighter note, mum gave me a lovely teacup set that belonged to her grandmother, and Mama gave me one of her teacups as well. Yay for pretty dainty teacups!

Boo for spending money on car rego and still being just as tired as I was before the week started. I knew I should have put in for more time off. Oh well never mind, I'll see an old school buddy tomorrow and do some shopping before heading home to devour some textbooks, so it won't be ALL bad.

obsessed much?

Tea. I simply love tea. I love the smell of it, the taste it of, I love how holding a nice big mug of Irish breakfast warms my hands on a chilly evening. Honestly, I'm addicted.

My current favourite (cos it changes) is Madame Flavour's white with rose. You know how roses smell? Imagine that, for your tastebuds. It is sooo freaking delicious! And not so strangely, it has really reignited my love of tea.

I can probably date my love of tea back to when I was a baby and my grandmother fed me some milked-down tea from a saucer.

I love coffee, but I have always loved tea more. Which probably explains why I want to get myself a china cabinet and fill it with dainty little teacups with flowers on them, the kind you stick your pinky out when you drink from them. Now that's the way to enjoy a nice cup of tea.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to search eBay for my first proper teacup.

Aussie music is brilliant

devineiswong

So the drama continues, where reasonable responses to Miranda Devine’s original opinion piece have been ignored so that the whole thing can be blown out of proportion. Again.

Click here to see Tom Ballard's take on all the drama

I agree that Ms Devine shouldn’t have to deal with personal harassment, but she also needs to understand that she’s reacting the exact same way she is accusing the gay community of reacting to her article - that everything needs to be censored, that only one side is entitled to have their say. The gay and lesbian population of Australia are not trying to bully anyone, nor are they threatening to unhinge society just so they can have the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts, yet supporters of Ms Devine would have us believe that is exactly what is happening.

I am really pissed off with the whole situation: I’m irked that the article was afforded such a dramatic response in the first place, I’m ticked that majority of the Australian population support gay marriage yet the politicians, commentators and columnists seem to be the only ones allowed to have a say in the matter, and I’m incredibly angry that I am living in what appears to be a very backwards country. Australia is supposed to be a modern(-ish), democratic and free society, how can we be so far behind the rest of the world when it comes to this?

hope

hope hōp to cherish a desire with anticipation

It's amazing how such a tiny thing like a text message or an email has the power to arouse hope in someone. I haven't really allowed myself to hope in a very long time, I'd become quite cynical and felt like every time I started to hope that those desires were almost immediately dashed. I don't really know what has changed in me over the past few months, but I find myself hopeful again. I hear from certain people, and my heart just soars thinking and dreaming of all the possibilities that are open to me. I hope this feeling lasts (see what I did there, I'm so clever sometimes).

yummy

I haven't had all that much to blog about lately, but I have been eating quite nicely lately. Being taken out for your birthday will do that!

On my actual birthday, the manager bought me a pink cupcake. A very sweet gesture using a sickeningly sweet confection. I'm pretty sure I know where it came from, but seeing as I don't know for certain I will refrain from saying, but the cake itself seemed a little dry. The icing and sprinkles and gesture were lovely :)

For dinner that night, one of the big bosses took me out to the local Services Club. I'm guessing she was feeling adventurous seeing as she ordered the spinach and ricotta cannelloni. I, on the other hand, ordered a chicken parmigiana. For a bistro meal, it wasn't too bad. The chicken was a little dry, and the green beans were slightly overcooked, but the meal was still quite tasty. I think the cannelloni was a hit. So all in all, a meal well worth it, but not really something to call home about.

Last night was the opening of Melz at the local bowling club, and my aunt invited me out to dinner there as a late birthday treat (I should mention at this point that she's the manager at the bowlo, so I think her real motive was to gauge my reaction to the new caterer). It was roast night. Now according to my aunt, Wednesdays are going to be themed nights, eg. last night was roast night, next Wednesday will be pasta night - Wednesdays being the busy night due to members draw. Anyway, I digress. I decided to have roast chicken, my aunt went for the lamb. The food was amazing. It smelt great, and tasted even better. One of the patrons told us he loved the roast pork, it absolutely melted in his mouth. And of course, my aunt insisted on desert, a pavlova stack for her and a sponge stack for me. Mine looked almost too cute to eat, with the sponge cake cut into stars. Almost. I think I inhaled the cake, cream and strawberries!

My favourite meal from this week, however, was tonight's meal. A classic really. Spag bol and a glass of red. The real surprise is that I cooked it! I am the world's suckiest cook, but I nailed this one. Mmm, garlic.

If you've managed to read this whole thing, I'm sure you've figured out that it was all just an excuse to brag :P

it's just a number

I'm finding the thought of my upcoming birthday to be incredibly underwhelming. I'm not at all excited about it, seeing as I have nothing planned for it. And it falls on the worst day of the week. Bleh.

At least the boys in the workshop will remember seeing as I set a nice little reminder in their Outlook calendars, heehee.

I'm starting to feel that apprehension about getting older though. I'll be 27, but there's so much I haven't had the chance to experience yet that other people my age have done many times. Maybe I'm worried that I'll run out of time the older I get? I don't know. I could just be being very womanish and want to stay young forever for vanity's sake, though I've only recently started being a little vain about my appearance. I am definitely starting to embrace my curves and thick mane of hair.

I think I shall keep telling myself that age is only a number, and then all will be hunky dorey.

untitled

A gentle breeze caresses my cheek

And I remember times long ago as a little girl,

You brushing wayward strands from my face

And teaching me lessons of the world.

The years have not been kind to you, Uncle,

Yet you lived and loved us all so well

That now the world seems a little bleaker,

It is a little harder to laugh.

The wind continues to softly follow me,

Tenderly drying my tears.

I can feel you there, and I can smile

Knowing that your spirit still soars.

packing

There's not really anything new to report, but I have started packing so I can get the bulk of my stuff to the new place next weekend with the help of my family. I fully intend on starting to pack my kitchen stuff asap, seeing as I went looking for my large noodle bowls this evening and could not find them anywhere in the kitchen. I love my noodle bowls, but more to the point they're awesome for serving up pasta dishes. And I'm in the mood for pasta tonight. I'd kick some ass, but he's bigger than me so I'm not sure how well that would work.

On a brighter note, the ninja cat was calm for majority of the day. This shouldn't be so surprising considering he played with a mouse to death last night, then kept playing with it. I love the little monster, hehe.

yay!

I applied for a decent flat last week, but was told that it was promised to someone else. So I searched further (without any success), and my search has ended today. The real estate got back to me and let me know that the other tenant fell through so I could have the flat if I wanted. Yes please!

Signing lease on 22nd, uni is back for the semester... life is full of stuff again :P

girliness

Need to build up confidence before heading out tonight, or I will not be able to pull off the outfit I think I have planned. No one to give second opinion = second guessing. I fail at being girly.

EDIT: Got my second opinion, faith my my own girliness is restored :P

sing-along

I have to listen to music when I'm driving for more than 15 minutes, cos I find that I just start to get fidgety otherwise. On the nice little drive a had today, I rediscovered my iPod and my old playlists, and Missy Higgins. She doesn't fit in with the usual suspects on my iPod such as Evanescence, Epica, Nightwish, Seether, Amanda Palmer and Emilie Autumn... but I love listening to Missy Higgins, because singing along to Where I Stood, The Special Two and The Sound of White is very cathartic. Not to mention that I think I sound good singing them, haha! Well, when I can remember the words.

I'm just trying to picture what me singing must've looked like to the truckies driving past :P

vengeance is mine!

Nothing beats a greasy meal of comfort food after a mentally stimulating day at work...

money money money

Savings is in progress!

Well, they will be once the disastrous electricity bill for just one month is taken care of. I am blaming a lot of that on our dodgy water heater, but still...

I'm amending my list of things I need to have money saved for. At this point, textbooks are the highest priority on my list (bills don't count, they're an ongoing thing). Thankfully, I already have the money set aside for them in an iSaver so that's at least one thing taken care of. I need the membership fee for the heated pool. This girl plans on getting fit and shmexyfied without freezing to death in the process. Plus swimming is fun. I've setup a uSaver account (thanks for the recommendation Coz) to set aside funds to move out into my own place again when the time comes around, but I'm not sure when I'll actually have enough to contribute a decent amount to it till after this electricity bill is done and dusted.

Once the move takes place my budget will go back to normal (cos I only need to worry about myself and the mini cat) I can utilise the uSaver to save for a new car. The day I can get rid of Turtle and have a nice, unembarrassing Little Lion will be so awesome. It will be cloud 9 kind of happiness.

Well, that and it will be having to financially look after only me and in the ninja kitty :)

changes

Ok, so starting today I am definitely going to be more frugal with money. Actually, that started last week, not often I have so much cash in my wallet leading up to pay day, hehe. But yes, savings. I need them, badly. With new textbooks and rego coming up, not to mention I might want to go somewhere, or buy some nice clothes at some point (cos I don't want to look like a hobo all the time), I need to have some sort of funds set aside. That being said, I want to get fitter - well, less cuddly. I like my curves and all, but I could stand to lose some of the pudge :P

So, things I need to make sure I have money for are textbooks, car rego, pool or gym membership and violin lessons. Things I want to have money for are a new car, some pretty clothes and awesome/random weekends away.

I need to seriously stick to this. Cozzie, feel free to kick my ass if I buy unnecessary stuff like cds and books and games and junk food. Seriously.

:P

OMG

Just found out one of my old dorm buddies from uni got married recently - to the lead actress from one of my favourite guilty pleasure movies, Centre Stage. I actually remember first watching that movie in that dorm!

All the best George, you lucky devil.

productive

My gosh I cannot believe how productive I was today! I've been putting off unpacking most of my stuff for so long, but I'm now mostly unpacked. The spare room actually resembles a room someone can stay in, my room is awesome (of course), and the lounge rooms are starting look respectable again. Go me.

looooong weekend... of nothing

Exams are over for another semester, which is an absolute relief. Just the word 'exam' makes me feel stressed. You can't see it, but I'm shaking! Then again, that could be because I'm freezing.

Anywho, a long weekend has arrived and I am doing sweet bugger all. Had plans, they fell through and now I'm stuck at home chillaxing. There are worse things I suppose, I could be going out in a skimpy outfit and getting frostbite in unmentionable places like soooo many other people I know. As fun as that sounds, I am kind of sad I won't be catching up with any of them, but thems the brakes (or something). Plus I'm such a cadbury these days, a glass and a half and I'd be goneskies. Not a good look in a skimpy outfit at the racetrack.

That being said, I guess I wish I was going somewhere to socialise with someone. Anyone. Well, anyone who I actually like. I envy those with plans. Oh those crazy kids, with their fun, hehe.

Random blogging may occur. I apologise in advance!

pondering

Sometimes, it feels like the entire world has gone feral. But then I realise I have a hyperactive imagination and the only ferals I know are my cat and my sister (love you kid). I've seen some ferals around town for sure, but I don't know them, so that doesn't count. Or does it? This is a small enough town, maybe it does count! Maybe we're all just ferals in disguise! Kind of like a wolf in sheep's clothing, only more like a stray dog in cow's clothing. Or something. I don't know, my imagination is whipping up some pretty hilarious images right now, hehe.

Shaddup, I'm tired and feel the need to type something :P

stress-less

Not stressless cos that would mean no stress, just less stress. Which is weird, cos this morning should've stressed me out more. Oh well, I'm not complaining. Bring on this arvo and violin practice / housework / study!

stress, ew

I think I've pinpointed why I feel so stressed all the time (or at least narrowed it down a little), I've noticed that I have very little control of any aspect of my life. Uni stress is normal, granted, but I feel I have no control career-wise, I have no control over my own social life, and I certainly have no control over the psycho kitten I've unleashed on our household.

Whoever said that pets help alleviate stress have clearly not met Schröddy.

I've also noticed that whenever people around me seem stressed, I pick up on it and start feeling stressed and anxious myself. As a result, these past few weeks have been hell, and I'm needing a decent night's sleep after a long soak in a hot bath. If the hot water situation at the house gets sorted out. A lack of a support network, a lack of free time, a severe lack of mates to hang out with and very little money means the stress is increased.

Oh, and there's the whole needing to learn how to drive manual. It's not as if I don't understand why I need to, but with how tight finances are I can't afford driving lessons as frequently as I need to practice. I've already told my violin teacher I can't have lessons as frequently anymore. If I owned a manual vehicle, things would be great cos I could practice, but yeah... finances. All work vehicles are manual which I currently cannot drive, so there would be absolutely no opportunity for career advancement. Gah, stressing about that more now.

I honestly can't think of how to calm down and stop worrying so much. I wish I could have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude, but that's not me. There's a reason people tell me all their problems or tell me what I need to do, even if it makes how I'm feeling worse (not that they realise it). I'm pretty sure I'll end up burning out and making myself sick if I don't figure it all out soon which will be incredibly difficult considering the whole lack of control thing. Fingers crossed I can. It's not likely to happen till at least after exams though.

gahness

You know how you feel like you aren't doing anything right? I've had one of those weeks. I can't even sleep right... so sleeeeeepy!

moving day!

Most of my belongings are in the new house now, there's only a few skerricks of junk to uncermoniously stuff into the car or the bin before the only thing left to do by Friday is clean. Cleaning is not my strong suit, but it will done nonetheless. I cannot get over how much more space there is in the house. Even with three people currently inside, all I hear is the quiet and I am perfectly alone on one side of the house while they are on the other. And my room is enormous, it shall be a bedroom/music room by the time it's all sorted. So much junk and still have space to spare.

This will take some getting used to.

Now all I need to build up the gumption to clean, unpack and write two essays. Piece of cake.

Hurt

I've been in a sappy mood lately, and I've been struggling to find anything that actually moves me - until today. I've liked Johnny Cash's cover of Hurt by NIN for ages, but it didn't really have that whole choke-me-up-close-to-tears feeling. So while I was browsing through some Amanda Palmer videos I found a live performance by her back in 2009 of Hurt. And it moved me. I don't know if it's because of the orchestral music, or the fact she was crying throughout the performance, but I fell in love with this performance.

glee

As a Gleek, I was always under the impression that the show is aimed at young adults, or at least older teens around the same age as those portrayed. I know it has upbeat musical numbers that grabs the attention of a younger audience, but I did not for one second believe the show was aimed at children and "tweens". Well apparently, other people believed it was and have been letting their 11-12 year old children watch. It seems these same parents are concerned that the show is too "racy" for their children.

I have a few issues with this recent burst of outrage from parents in the US. For starters, the show has never pretended to be innocent. It has dealt with the issues of teen pregnancy, eating disorders, losing one's virginity, sexual experimentation amongst girls, and drinking - right from the start. The adult characters in the show are far from perfect role models, and they never have been. So why the controversy now?

Spoilers ahead, you have been warned.

The issue has resurfaced after the two most recent episodes of Glee that aired in the US, "Sexy" and "Original Songs". In latest episode, two teenage boys kiss onscreen and start a relationship. Considering these characters have been gay for a long time now, you would think parents would have seen this coming. Same for the two girls who are developing feelings for one another which surfaced in "Sexy". These girls have been "fooling around"since the beginning of the show so it shouldn't be surprising that the storyline for the two of them is developing further.

I understand that there are many parents out there who don't want to raise their children believing that homosexual relationships are normal, or ok, usually for religious reasons. I also reaslise that the most vehement criticisms have been voiced in the bible belt of the US. However these very same parents need to understand that there are those of us out there that do want children to be raised to believe homosexuality is perfectly ok. Having studied psychology, I am well aware that homosexuality is not a lifestyle choice, but a physiological fact, and I am keenly aware after studying social psychology the kind of detrimental effects trying to cope with discrimination and rejection from loved ones can cause. It's heartbreaking.

The main character of the onscreen relationship, Kurt, has been openly gay since season 1, and has suffered incredible abuse because of it. I really carry a great amount of respect for Chris Colfer and his tender and upbeat portrayal of Kurt. Surely younger viewers have an understanding that Kurt is gay and wants to find happiness with someone special. Not to mention his battle with discrimination and bullying mirror's that of so many people in real life. Doesn't this kind of outrage belittle the strength a lot of teens out there take from this character?

Glee really is not a show aimed at kids, nor has it pretended to pander to religious or politcal groups. I wouldn't expect it to start changing now. Personally, I believe that parents should take greater responsibility for what their children watch on television if they are really that concerned. My parents wouldn't let me watch Neighbours or Home and Away till I was at least 15 for two reasons: they considered the shows too "grown up" for me, and they weren't ready to answer all my questions about the issues the shows depicted. Even Degrassi and Heartbreak High were banned. It must have been tough for them too, because I was always very vocal in my desire to watch some banned tv shows, but just because a show is causing a buzz and is the latest thing does not mean it is suitable for children and young teenagers.

On the flip side, there are parents out there who take advantage of the show's themes and use it as an opening to discuss these issues with their children. I feel that is a healthy attitude, provided you are prepared to answer all questions raised with complete honesty and openess.

On a final note, the issues that Glee dramatise are out there in the real world. Step outside your door and see a gay couple holding hands, or a teenage girl who is heavily pregnant. People may not like these realities, but that does not make them any less real. If you don't want your kids watching Will Schuester attempting to manipulate Sue Syvlester by seducing her, or you don't want them to see a tender Klaine moment, then don't let them watch it. Buy them the CDs if they like the songs that much. Instead of being outraged, let's take some responsibility.

But yes, I do love Glee, and when I have kids one day, they can watch it too - once they hit their teens and are ready to ask questions.

procrastinating... again

I have this really terrible habit of leaving things till the last minute, despite how organised I like to be. I'm such a procrastinator. Take this blog post for example, I'm typing this up instead of revising for an online quiz that's due by Monday night. It's not that this is more fun than learning about management theory, it's just that this is anything but what I should be doing - which is learning about management theory.

The University of North Carolina has an interesting handout regarding procrastination, including reason why we procrastinate. I found this little tidbit of information, which I believe sums it up perfectly for myself and a few people I know:

Procrastination and perfectionism often go hand in hand. Perfectionists tend to procrastinate because they expect so much of themselves, and they are scared about whether or not they can meet those high standards. Perfectionists sometimes think that it is better to give a half-hearted effort and maintain the belief that they could have written a great paper, than to give a full effort and risk writing a mediocre paper. Procrastinating guarantees failure, but it helps perfectionists maintain their belief that they could have excelled if they had tried harder. Another pitfall for perfectionists is that they tend to ignore progress toward a goal. As long as the writing project is incomplete, they feel as though they aren't getting anywhere, rather than recognizing that each paragraph moves them closer to a finished product.

I would describe myself as a perfectionist, especially considering I get incredibly frustrated if things don't work out exactly the way I want them to. After reading through the handout from UNC, I think I'm really starting to get a better understanding of my own habits. I don't like what I'm discovering either, but I suppose that's a good enough kick in the pants to get me changing the way I do things, and the way I see things.

Wow, it's all about the self-discovery this year for me, isn't it?

thinking

It's a dangerous past time, I know.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, dwelling on a lot of things I probably shouldn't, such as events and people from my past. However, I think I am learning a lot about myself as a result. For example: the longest I have been without a partner (of sorts) since I left school over eight years ago is 3 months. Not all that long really, and it has only been since I met Texas that I've really gotten to know me outside of a relationship. I'll have to remember to thank him sometime.

It hasn't been all that long since my last relationship, but I have been by myself since August last year. I think that's a record for me, hehe. Seeing as it has been that long since I've had a certain someone's physical presence in my life, it's no wonder I'm lonely. I'm not used to not being able to have cuddles on tap! I miss intimacy and having someone to share special moments with, not to mention a drinking buddy to head out and have fun with.

So I've decided: I'm putting myself back out there. I know there's always a chance I'll end up hurt or that I might not meet the right person for me for ages, if ever, but I want to meet someone special. I don't want to close myself off to possibilities that could wind up being wonderful. So that's that. All this dwelling on the past and stuff has lead me to this very moment.

I need a life! Hehe.

ooh, latte!

I wish.

I think I've become a caffeine addict while I wasn't paying attention. Whoops. All that sugary, caffeiney goodness of Coke, the morning Mocconas at home, the chai lattes or Dare Espressos at work... even tea has caffeine in it, and I absolutely love tea in all varieties. Mmm, Irish Breakfast.

That reminds me, I need to buy some more green tea. And to price coffee makers for my morning coffees.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put the kettle on.

aw, hugs!

Just kidding. Unless virtual hugs count?

Today I realised just how much I miss my family, especially when I started talking to dad. It sucks that he's unable to work and cooped up all day, and it just made me wish I could visit him more often. I kinda feel guilty about the fact I'm going to see mum this weekend (I know I shouldn't, it's been organised for ages to coincide with my sister's and stepdad's birthdays) but by the same token, I need my mummy. Deep down, a girl really needs her mummy. Or her sister, either way a gal needs oestrogen fuelled conversation.

I think my dad missed out on a lot of me growing up, just like I missed out on having my dad around. I always used to think of it from a selfish kid's perspective, but now I'm older I'm seeing how hard it must have been for him. So many birthdays he missed because it wasn't during school holidays, all the report cards that he got copies of instead of me bringing them home proudly to show him, all the netball grand finals, the school plays - anything that wasn't a Christmas or Easter event, he missed out on. Except my first period, poor dad got to deal with that one!

How does my dad do it? He's managed to cope with watching most of my life in phonecalls, photos or letters, yet he still manages to give me space to keep growing. If it had've been me, I'd probably have latched on the first opportunity I got and not let go. Not dad. He's actively allowing me room to be social and live my own life, even though (and he'd hate me saying this) he doesn't have much of one himself. He's a strong man.

Thank goodness for Skype, that's all I can say!

everyone needs a goal

I have my violin goal (that is highly unlikely to ever happen), and that is to be able to play at least some songs of Emilie Autumn's. A girl can dream, right?

I will be able to play Unlaced... one day.



Her interpretation of Gloomy Sunday is magnificent, her violin is simply breathtaking and moves me everytime. There are times when she's on the piano or harpsichord in other songs, and her music still has that electric, energised feel to it. Love it, love it, love it!

violin!

It arrived!

I picked it up in my lunch break, and it's an awesome beginner violin. It's green, so of course it's awesome! Just knowing that the violin is now mine, my own to learn... my precious, if you will... I couldn't help but grin like a loon for an hour straight.

When I got it home, I didn't bother with dinner. Screw eating, I have a green violin! I managed to set the bridge with as little amount of difficulty as possible for a beginner like me. But then came the long and kinda bloody battle with the rosin jar. That thing damn near had me beaten, my poor nails couldn't take it anymore. Once I managed to get the jar open and rub the rosin on the brand new bow, I started tuning. And I actually got my violin to make proper noises! You know, not strangled cat screetches, hehe. By the time I started to get the hang of playing each string individually it was getting late and as lovely as my neighbours are I'm sure a badly played violin would stretch their patience just a little.

So now I'm waiting for the next opportunity to keep at it, cos I really need to learn basic finger positions - maybe I'll learn Mary Had A Little Lamb within a month or so.

Dear Texas

Dear Texas,

I love you, you grumpy Bear. Cranky bum :P

Love from your crazy Irish-Viking Queen, who is a melancholy closet clown with a massive shoe fetish and who's Amanda Palmer-esque aspirations are making her quite strange, which logically, when you think about it, is normal. So much love from your totally normal girl!

Ampersand, by Amanda Palmer

I've had a resurgence in my love for all things Amanda Palmer (and Dresden Dolls), and decided to get myself the "Who Killed Amanda Palmer" mini-mystery in music videos. I thought I'd find it mildly interesting at best, but I didn't expect to fall madly in love with more than half of the songs on the album. This woman's songwriting ability is phenonemal to say the least. If I had half of her poetic skills, my book would've been done and dusted over a year ago and I'd be selling so many copies. Her piano skills leave me gobsmacked. Especially on the songs Another Year, Astronaut, and Ampersand. You know, I think she has a thing for words beginning with 'a'. Anyway, to get back on topic...

Ampersand is one of those songs that I loved as soon as I heard it, and the more I let myself listen to it, the more I adore it. The lyrics are anything but sweet, in stark constrast with the music, but I can't help myself, hehe.

Ampersand
(lyrics from whokilledamandapalmer.com)

i walk down my street at night
the city lights are cold and violent
i am comforted by the approaching sound of trucks and sirens
even though the world’s so bad, these men rush out to help the dying
and though i am no use to them i do my part by simply smiling

the ghetto boys are cat-calling me
as i pull my keys from my pocket
i wonder if this method of courtship has ever been effective
has any girl in history said “sure, you seem so nice, let’s get it on”
still i always shock them when i answer “hi, my name’s amanda” and

i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am
and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy

i have wasted years of my life
agonizing about the fires
i started when i thought that to be strong you must be flame-retardant
and now to dress the wounds calls into question
how authentic they are
there is always someone criticizing me
she just likes playing hospital

lying in my bed
i remember what you said
“there’s no such thing as accidents...”

but you’ve got the headstones all ready
all carved up and pretty
your sick satisfaction
those his and hers matching
the daisies all push up in pairs to the horizon
your eyes full of ketchup, it’s nice that you’re trying
the headstones all ready
all carved up and pretty
your sick satisfaction
those his and hers matching
the daisies all push up in pairs to the horizon
your eyes full of ketchup, it’s nice that you’re trying

but i’m not gonna live my life
on one side of an ampersand
and even if i went with you
i’m not the girl you think i am

and i’m not gonna match you
‘cause i’ll lose my voice completely
no, i’m not gonna watch you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy

as i wake up - two o’clock - the fire burned the block but ironically
stopped at my apartment and my housemates are all sleeping soundly
and nobody deserves to die, but you were awful adamant
that if i didn’t love you then you had just one alternative
and i may be romantic
and i may risk my life for it
but i ain’t gonna die for you
you know i ain’t no juliet
and i’m not gonna watch you
while you burn yourself out, baby
no, i’m not gonna stop you
‘cause i’m not the one that’s crazy

You'll probably see more posts relating to music from me as well, I think my passion for it was just dormant for awhile, and have now flared to life. As weird as most of my musical taste is, I mean, what's the point in having interests if you don't intend on sharing them, hehe.

EDIT: I was going to post a link to the video (along with the lyrics) to Map of Tasmania... but I'm not that risqué :P

Happy Australia Day

So it is once again the day in the Aussie calander that I am sure every bogan and his sticker-laden ute hang out for: Australia Day. One of my mates posted a nice little Youtube video via Facebook which I think sums the attitude from too many Australians perfectly.

Aussie F*ckin' Pride.

This video did get me thinking though. I'd like to think I have great pride in my country as well, but how exactly do I express that pride? I honestly couldn't think of anything. Sure, I own an Australian flag bikini - a gift from Texas (I think he's just hoping I'll pose for a pic in it for him, haha). I have an Australian flag oven mit too - it was $2 and all the others were $8, what can I say, I'm thrifty. I've seen so many people driving around with flags on their cars and that sort of carry on, which bugs me. How do we show our pride every day of the year, rather than just the January 26 public holiday where we can all sit around the bbq, drinking beer and watching the cricket/listen to the Triple J countdown?

I know the aspects of Australia, and the people, that make me feel proud to call myself an Aussie. The recent flood disasters on our east coast is a prime example: everyone pulled together and didn't let the situation get the better of their spirits. I love the fact that we have a "look out for your mates" attitude, and I adore that the rest of the world adores our accents. I love the friendly (and sometimes not-so-friendly) competitive relationship we have with New Zealand. I love that as a nation, Australia has such a colourful history. I think its great that we are a multicultural country, that we have such a diverse array of foods, dress, religion and lifestyles.

There are a lot of things I don't like too. I loathe that Australians are viewed as one of the most racist groups of people in the world. I especially hate that there are people who actually earned us that title. I hate the snakes and spiders and all the other deadly critters. I really hate those. And the bogans. Oh my gosh, the bogans. Growing up in a tiny hick town, I know bogans. It's painful.

Oh, and if anyone says "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie" to me expecting the traditional "Oi, oi, oi" reply, I'm afraid they will be sorely disappointed. Save that shit for sporting events.

Despite the things I hate about Australia, there are things that I like about living here that more than make up for it. But the question is: how can one show pride in one's country? And not just on Australia Day, but everyday? It's not so simple to answer, because the answer is completely subjective. Everyone will have different ways to be a proud Aussie.

For now, I'm going to focus on working my ass off towards a career that will contribute to the nation's economy, and continue to live a good life here. And maybe re-learn the words to the second verse of our national anthem. Can't believe I forgot those. Whoops.

growth

Not of the melonomous type.

Personal growth is something I have not experienced in a long time, but I'm thinking I'm on my way to growing into a more confident... what's the word... extraverted minx. That's it. Extraverted, hehe.

I still have a looong way to go, but I believe a few good nudges here and there and I'll be awesome. Yep. And for those of you out there who would tell me I'm already awesome (Kyle, Coz, I'm looking at you guys) - I'll be awesomer.

For now, I'm still ChickenWoman, the shy introvert with very little in the way of guts or adventurousness. Ok, the adventurous bit is a lie, but the guts to pursue some adventures is somewhat lacking. I plan on having many adventures :P

new hobby?

I've been needing a new hobby for awhile now, one that gets me away from a computer or tv screen. I've been craving something creative, preferably something music related. That had me thinking about learning an instrument.

Piano? Too expensive, too space consuming.
Guitar? Pfft, everyone playes guitar.
Drums? My neighbours would kill me.

Then I realised I want something rather portable and easy to pack away, yet has a soothing sound (which immediately rules out saxophone). I hate the sound of clarinet, and flutes are too shrill. Then it hit me.

Violin.

Since that realisation hit me over the head and seeped into my brain, I haven't been able to shake the longing for a beginner's violin. It's no longer a want. I need to learn the violin. I'm hearing violin music in my sleep! Well, that could be due to the fact that I listen to classical music as I sleep... but I digress.

I don't have the artistic skill to draw or paint. I'm too much of a perfectionist to be able to be happy with anything I may produce on canvas or paper. So it had to be music. Nice to know I can still be logical, even about a creative hobby, haha!

Seriously though, I'm eying off a gorgeous green acoustic violin. I want that violin. I could buy it online right now. But I am trying to be responsible. I mean, if they deliver it to my door and I'm not at home, what if the neighbours decide they want a new hobby?

It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

And shh, I know Wayne was not talking about a violin when he said that :P

lonely

I get lonely sometimes. It's not that I don't get physical contact from my boyfriend who lives half a world away, I just miss the company of other people.

I've always been one to have only a handful of close friends, I find it hard to trust and relax around other people. Not surprisingly, this makes it hard to meet new people and build up meaningful relationships with them. I'm fairly certain I've always been this way.

Anywho, I'm quite tired of being secluded in my own little shell. I need people, I need new friends, and I need to get out and have fun with them. Cos right now, my life is a whole lot of boring (well, besides work).

Hiding

Built a wall, many years ago now.
No one tried to tear it down,
I don’t know if anyone can. I will try.
Needed a wall, my own fortress.
The strongest barrier,
Mutes all sounds, if I laugh or if I cry.

A lonely existence, this side of the wall.
Suffocating silence in my head,
Craving company other than my mind.
An eerie existence, all by myself.
Vacant sky surrounding me,
Dreaming of being with my own kind.

I will be free of this cage I’ve built.
Can I fly to escape this pain,
Or will I tear it apart with my bare hands?
I will be free of this prison wall,
Free to breathe in life,
Transformed into my real self again.

Skye McCarthy 2011

I know that I have the potential to be an outgoing and sassy woman, it's just a confidence thing. The problem is I've been allowing myself to be trapped by the lack of confidence for so long, and habits are incredibly hard to break.

Can I do it? Well, yes. I have to. And I'll be much happier for it.