woe is me. seriously.

Why do I have to be surrounded by such beautiful, vivacious and dazzling people? It's painful, damaging my fragile self-esteem. I feel so insignificant when they're around.

Honestly, it hurts to look at these radiant people now. Have I become that ugly and/or invisible? It's like they're a different species. I'm the outsider, the 'gaijin' who clearly doesn't fit in with these beautiful people (watched Tokyo Drift a gazillion times over the weekend thanks to my sister).

There's a manga that pretty much explains it for me, Wallflower. I am Sunako, seriously. Except she is actually pretty. And has beautiful long hair. And a gorgeous figure. The attitude I can relate to though.

How the hell do I get over this confidence issue?

happiness

It's amazing how much a positive experience in life can change your whole perspective. Despite all the uni and financial stresses, I can't remember being this happy. I guess it's been that long.

I find myself smiling for no particular reason. I feel lighter, more free. I'm healthier too.

I sincerely hope this feeling lasts.

redemption

Ok Tim, you win... Lilah isn't leaving, I didn't see it coming, you're very clever. Now let's move onto the next storyline, please? It's gotten slow and stagnant and I want some action! Show me some Ted stuff, that penguin kicks ass. Or at least show me how Ethan will react now he has time to think about Zeke. I need more gaming humour!

the winds of change

Ok, I hardly recognise myself these days. I mean, I actually have a social life now. Now before you fall off your chair in shock, I'll tell you I've also lost 5 kilos in the space of two weeks and have been exercising regularly, I'm looking for my own place and for a job.

What's wrong with this picture? Two months ago, this girl didn't exist. I'm ba-ack!

angry and mortified

Question: You think someone is being rude, but someone else says they're just being blunt... doesn't that basically mean the same thing?

Seriously, this person who is rude/blunt doesn't like me at all. I found myself having to talk to them today over the phone, and all I got was flat, monosyllabic answers and them hanging up very abruptly. I considered the phonecall quite rude and told the person I was actually trying to contact (cos they're friends/housemates) that that's how I felt about it.

By the way, I don't even know why this other person doesn't like me.

Anyway, the person I was trying to contact (the non-rude one) said they weren't being rude, just blunt. In this circumstance, what is the difference? Honestly, I was so angry with how that guy was talking to me and how he treats me generally, and I'm supposed to brush it off as "oh he's not being rude at all, he's just blunt". What a crock. I've seen this guy be nice to people, so saying he's just a blunt person is a cop out. Skybie is not a happy girl and is getting so tired of being treated like the villain for something that she doesn't even know about!

It's bad enough that I feel sick, now I have to deal with immature and rude people that I really don't want anything to do with. *sigh* Will the mortification never cease?

*drool*

So I'm happy now I get to see Edward come to life onscreen. Mmm, butterscotch eyes...

Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer


Yep, I'm a ridiculously hopeless fangirl. Terrible, isn't it?

gutted

Is it just me, is does it look like Tim Buckley is writing Lilah out of Crtl+Alt+Del? I was worried when he introduced the miscarriage storyline that Lilah wouldn't be around too much longer, and now he's got her and Ethan keeping things from eachother, and all of it is centered around her ex. Lilah is an awesome character! I would be sad to see her out of my favourite web comic.

Why do I like her so much? Well, let's see... she's a female gamer who is better at it than her game-obsessed fiance. There's hope for female gamers yet! Not that I consider myself a gamer, but I have a lot of male gamer friends, and it would be nice if there were some girls in on the action. I'd be more inclined to play games too.

Plus that character has the patience of a saint, seriously. Ethan is such a dipshit.

EDIT: and what's with the co-worker?! Tim, Tim, Tim... do you want me to jump to the conclusion that Ethan and whats-her-face are going to get together? See I can't even remember her name, that's how interesting she is.

oh dear, we are in trouble

No, not really.

I like a guy. Now you're probably thinking that's a good thing, right? WRONG! I'm fairly sure this guy doesn't think of me in the same way, and to top it all off we're all wrong for each other. The thought of him is driving me to distraction. Not that I mind the distraction, but you know, I have uni and stuff.

Yes, I have kissed him. But I realise it was me making the first move, not him, so I'm trying not to read to much into it. My wise friends who I've already confided in about this have advised me to just go with the flow, to wait it out and just see where it goes.

I'm not a very patient person.

I've already tried talking myself out of it. Hasn't worked yet. Brad has said that I'm overthinking this from a girl's perspective, I need to be more logical and less emotional when I think about it. Sam has said to just have fun, don't push anything. I say gah!

pet problems

Labrat died. She was a cute little white pet rat I had, but not for very long. She froze, and I'm not happy because it was completely avoidable. I had lots of things in her cage for her to nest, and they kept getting removed by someone I was living with at the time. And so Labrat got cold, and died.

And now Chibi Chibi, my gorgeous little cat is missing. Sam and I seem to be the only ones involved that are actually concerned that she hasn't been seen for three days now. At least she's not at the pound getting put down... we already checked.

So I am having really bad pet problems. I miss both my pets. I'm still hoping we'll find Chibi, but Labrat is gone. Maybe I'll find another rat, but they won't be Labrat.

R.I.P. Labrat.

Faded and Worn (and completely ticked off)

So slowly I breathe you in.
I remember your strength and love,
And the lie we lived.

~

A curse is upon me,
I am blind.
Your deceit and cunning,
It's all invisible to me.
You can tell me sweet lies,
I'll bathe in your graces,
I believed you,
Because I wanted to believe in you.

Love fades away, betrayed.

I despise your intentions,
I loathe you.
Irreversible pain lashes my mind,
I blame you.
I feel no remorse for my malice,
It is purer than your lies.
The red hatred burns my memories,
Pleasure and pain erased.
Only the loathing remains,
Seething behind my careful eyes.
You will never see my soul again.

Hatred fades away, worn.

have a break, have a Kit Kat

We're having a break from being a couple. That means separate bedrooms, separate social engangements, separate everything. So far it seems ok, we talk a lot, I certainly feel more free to bring up stuff I wouldn't when we were "together".

If all goes well, a relationship may be salvaged. If it doesn't, well at least we tried.

house of cards

I was so happy, but now everything is tumbling down around me. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I have no stability.

If I love someone as much as I love Dan, yet despite that it's not working out, how am I supposed to be happy moving on with life? Everything has spiralled out of my control and I can't get anything right anymore, I feel so alone and lost.

I'm going to start looking for a place on my own to live. I get the feeling it's going to take forever, and it's going to be so damn hard. I have no choice though, things just turned out this way and it would be better for Dan if I wasn't around.

I honestly don't know how everything turned out like this.

all alone

It seems like forever since I last posted anything here. Things have been pretty hectic. Dan proposed to me, we moved to Parkes, he un-proposed to me and now here we are.

A bit of good news: I finished and submitted my first programming assignment yesterday, complete with pseudocode, normal operations test data, abnormal operations test data, program, executable code and evidence of testing. And it was on time. I was starting to feel like maybe I don't belong back at uni, but I feel a little better now, even if it was the most basic of programming assignments.